You can literally feel the moment the Sun moves into Virgo. It’s late August. You’re enjoying fun and friends, good food and good times, parties and picnics then all of a sudden – BAM – the shoe drops. Anxiety starts gnawing away at your stomach. You become consumed with the impending heavier workload at the office. You lay awake at night wondering how you’re going to get everything done. The kids are slapped back into reality as they face a new school year. We trade in our margaritas for Alka Seltzer cocktails.
Virgo is a sign synonymous with work. They just love the stuff. Shit, even the Virgo holiday, Labor Day, is about work. Hurray, let’s celebrate labor. C’mon, could that holiday be any more depressing? Nothing like watching a telethon and crying over the end of summer. Good times, good times.
Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication. But unlike chatty, social Gemini, which is also ruled by Mercury, Virgo is a cerebral, critical thinker. Where Gemini is happy knowing just enough to appear knowledgeable (jack of all trades but master of none), Virgo needs to analyze a topic to the point of exhaustion. Virgo would rather think than talk; however, when they do have something to say they make quite an impression with their caustic observations and sarcastic witticisms.
These highly intelligent, incredibly neurotic, yet undoubtedly good-hearted folks live to serve you. They know you’re nothing less than a diamond in the rough and they will chip and rub away at you until you shine. Unfortunately, many folks don’t recognize that they’re only trying to help (let’s face it, Virgos help regardless of whether they’re asked to or not) which is why Virgo is often considered to be a critical nitpicker. But how can Virgo make you better unless he first points out what’s wrong? It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it. And considering how much Virgo hates dirt, it’s a testament to his character that he still bothers to devote his precious time and energy to you and your crap.
Virgos are the administrators of the Zodiac, the perennial perfectionists who keep our chaotic lives (chaotic by Virgo’s standards) running smoothly. With that said, it is with great excitement and pleasure that I get to share with you something very rare and special. I have managed to get my hands on the minutes of a recent Zodiac town hall meeting held by the Virgo constituency.
Apparently once a month – precisely the third Monday of the month at 10:02 a.m. – a Virgo spokesperson speaks to representatives from the other 11 signs about any issues that may be getting in the way of keeping the place in tip top shape and running smoothly. (From what I understand, it’s basically a bitch session where Virgo does the complaining and everyone sits and listens.) If you want a better insight into the character of a Virgo and what this sign is “up against” on a daily basis, read on …
Minutes for the Monthly Virgo Administrative Meeting
Call to order: A town hall meeting for the signs of the Zodiac was held in an undisclosed place on the third Monday of this month. The meeting convened at 10:02 a.m., with Virgo #602.75 presiding and Virgo #602.754 keeping minutes. Both representatives ate a healthy breakfast consisting of granola and Greek yogurt before starting the meeting.
Members in attendance: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Capricorn and Pisces.
Members not in attendance: Aquarius was tardy and missed the first four minutes of the meeting. Collectively, Aquarius has missed 5,623 town hall meeting minutes, which translates to approximately 94 hours or close to four days. We at Virgo headquarters are waiting for Aquarius to finally invent a working time machine that will allow them to travel back in time and retrieve the four days owed to us.
The following words were delivered by Virgo #602.75 and recorded verbatim by Virgo #602.754. Tonal inflections are not included in the text: Attention … Attention everyone … Excuse me … Ahem! … Quiet please! Gemini, I have the floor, can you please stop the chatter? Thank you.
Time is precious and the sooner we address the issues, the sooner we can all get back to work. We’ve allotted 20 minutes and 35 seconds to this meeting and going over even a nanosecond will severely upset today’s schedule.
First order of business is the budget…
Aries, you are in the red again. We are seriously considering thoroughly investigating the expensive “accidents” you are reporting to our offices. It seems highly unlikely that anyone would lose control of a motorcycle and drive through a café. We also find it difficult to consider taking a wall down with a sledgehammer during a party as a redecorating expense. Luckily the Cancer community hasn’t spent a dime of its budget since 1981 and is willing to loan you the money you need to get back into the black. Congratulations, Aries. You managed to win the sympathy of the co-dependents of the Zodiac.
Next, is news from Virgo headquarters …
As you know, on top of our usual enormous workload our offices are still trying to unravel the mystery behind how Charlie Sheen could be a Virgo. I know this anomaly is old news to the rest of you, but we will not be satisfied until we figure out how he slipped through the cracks and managed to be born under our sign. We are still baffled by his behavior. Just an update: After careful research, we can definitively conclude that no Virgo human on record has ever been born with tiger blood pulsing through his or her veins. We’ll keep you posted on any further developments.
[Door to boardroom swings open. Aquarius stumbles in 4 minutes late.]
Oh, Aquarius thanks for joining us. You’re late.
[Aquarius mumbles something inaudible.]
Profound Aquarius, but I don’t agree. Time is not relative: Time is money. And until a new time zone is developed specifically for you, we expect you to participate in the one recognized by the rest of us. There’s a seat in the back next to Sagittarius. Use it. But check for gum on the chair before you sit.
OK, let’s move on to unfinished business from last month’s meeting …
As usual, there is no unfinished business because leaving something unfinished puts us in a state of panic.
Moving on to new business…
We have finally calculated and double-checked the results of the Zodiac health and fitness tests we conducted last spring on the members of your respective signs. Capricorn let your people know that your test results have been thrown out. We know you paid several Leo, Sagittarius and Aries constituents to take the tests for you. Very clever. When your people start dropping dead at their desks from heart attacks once they hit 40 don’t say we didn’t try to help.
Anyway, overall we’re pleased with most of your results. However, there are a few signs that we feel we need to work more closely with on improving overall health. Pisces, your sign’s blood/alcohol levels are alarmingly high. Cancer, you’ve got the most junk food eaters. Taurus, most of you seem to have gravy – not blood – pulsing through your veins. Finally, Libra, you need to exercise more, and no, shopping is NOT exercise.
Next order of business …
As usual, you guys can do a better job keeping things neater around here. I’m looking at you specifically, Sagittarius and Taurus. Sagittarius, please tell your people to take off their shoes when they enter a house or room – you guys consistently tread dog feces all over the place. Taurus, I know you like to surround yourself with your “stuff”, but can you try moving your little knick-knacks when you’re dusting rather than just going around them? And we know the empty toilet rolls in the bathroom is your doing – you people are the only ones lazy enough to consistently choose drip drying over changing the damn toilet paper.
Speaking of bathrooms, the Leos need to stop kissing their reflections in the mirror. Sure, expensive lipstick stays on your lips longer, but it’s literally impossible to clean off glass. By the way, why do you all wear such hideously garish shades?
We’re hesitant to bring up the next order of business – not because we’re unsure of its appropriateness but because we fear that by exposing the truth we’re risking our lives. However, we can no longer let this situation go on, so we’ll take the risk. Lately several Virgos have reported being sexually harassed by Scorpio constituents. Hiding under our beds and in our closets naked and ready to go is not only immoral but it’s also illegal. Apparently the Scorpios are on mission to “deflower and break us in”. News flash: Not all Virgos are literally virgins. We have sex lives. We enjoy sex. And we’d be happy to prove it to you if you take a shower, brush your teeth and put on some deodorant – precisely in that order. Then we promise to rock your world.
As usual our offices are inundated daily with your problems. Just a reminder: We only want to hear problems that are practical in nature, that can be fixed without any emotional drama. We remain firm in our resolve that we do not wish to hear you cry, moan or carry on. Emotional problems are not our area. Please go to our opposite sign, Pisces, for that. They’ll cry along with you. Actually, after a few minutes with them you’ll discover that your problems are not as bad as you thought after all.
Finally on to our last order of business…
It’s embarrassing to even bring this up. No, not embarrassing for the Virgos, but for the individuals behind this ridiculous, cruel caper. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about because we suspect you’re all in on it some how, some way. But we’ll participate in the charade by talking about it as if all but one of you is innocent.
Here it goes: Apparently one, or some, or all of you jokesters managed to sneak – no break – into our offices last week. During this illicit visit you changed the time on each one of our clocks. Imagine our horror when we came in to work the next morning to find one clock two minutes off, another 30 seconds off and another up to five minutes off. Five minutes! Well, needless to say, this hilarious joke of yours not only caused chaos and confusion, Virgo #462.3 had to be rushed to the hospital for heart palpitations.
To start with crime is serious. This is clearly a case of breaking and entering. Secondly, how dare you mess with our livelihoods and prey on our OCD tendencies?
[Whispers of giggles fill the room.]
Oh, so you think it’s funny? You think we’re a joke? Do you think it’s easy to watch you all make the same mistakes over and over despite our best efforts to help you? We realize that pointing out your stupidity day after day, month after month, year after year, only serves to further alienate us from the pack. But we do it anyway. We didn’t ask for a life of servitude, but that’s what we got. And we carry on just the same with the hope that someday we’ll get an ounce of appreciation and respect. So go ahead, make fun of us. Have a good laugh at our expense.
But tell me Capricorn, without us who would get your memos out on time? God knows you wouldn’t lower yourself to such a menial task.
And Libra, who else would make sure your love letters are grammatically correct? True beauty is in the details, Prince Charming.
And Sagittarius, who are you going to get to clean up the vomit stains the day after your next big party? Certainly not you. Your hangovers last for days and if you don’t get to those stains right away they’re impossible to get out.
And Leo, do you think anyone else would be willing to iron all of your clothes? You spend so much money on your wardrobe, yet you’ve proven time and time again that you’re incapable of getting the creases right.
We can go on and on with more examples, but we’re running out of time. In closing, let us remind you that Mother Teresa was also a Virgo and when she said, “A life not lived for others is not a life,” and “Prayer in action is love, love in action is service,” she was articulating two Virgo mantras. Sure we complain and nag at you, but we also realize that it’s only through serving and helping you that we get closer to The Divine. We may have a weird way of showing it, but we really do love you guys and we … oh crap, we’ve gone five seconds over.